Primer on Tools (OT)

[Administrator]

Description of common tools and their uses:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh s h --'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to start the process of rounding off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of knuckle abrasions.

PLIERS: Used to complete the process of rounding off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers completely round off bolt heads. They can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC JACK: A tool used for raising a car to change a flat tire that seldom fits under a car with a flat tire.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

WIRE CUTTERS: Handy for cutting wires and zip ties. Can also be used to determine the presence of electricity.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes and fingers, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Dammit' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Kelly]

Hmmmm...For some reason this one didn't make the list:

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

Kelly

[rigspelt]

SCREWDRIVER: The tool needed to remove a particular screw that is not amongst all the other screwdrivers in the tool bag.

ALLEN WRENCH: A right-angled device for removing stuck bolts that descends rapidly through seawater, and perhaps less rapidly through freshwater (?).

METRIC: A whole family of tools that doubles the cost of a tool kit and adds weight penalty to racing sailboat.

TELESCOPING MIRROR: Used to peer into inaccessbile places, doubling the difficulty of getting a wrench onto an invisible bolt to turn it in the wrong direction.

[wlevin]

come-along A device for repositioning a truck closer to a stump.

[lat 64]

Under diagnostic tools; Internet: a system that saves time and energy by wasting time and energy

[Jesse Delanoy]

In eight-grade shop class, they impressed upon us the importance of using the correct tool for the job.

unfortunately, when I told that to the Admiral, she never realized that each particular job requires a different particular tool. Now when I stop at the hardware store to pick up a unique wrench, etc., she just groans.

On the positive side, I needed all that extra ballast on the starboard side under the chart table.

[Dromo]

Are you're looking for tools that do a specific job????....then get yourself a Newfie tool box!!!!! (Newfie = Newfoundland).

3 sizes of ball-pean hammers and a pair of Vise-grips!

Get 'er done!

Rick

[ndutton]

You could simplify it even further like the old Norton mechanics did: a hammer and chisel.

[Jesse Delanoy]

I started out with the two basic tools, with which one can supposedly fix anything:

Duct tape - for things that move and shouldn't; and

WD-40 - for things that don't move and should.

I later graduated to the Newfie tool box.

Much later, I discovered that I avoided lots of minor injuries and saved lots of time by having lots of tools.